Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Reflections On My Birthday!

Here is an awesome quote that I thought was very appropriate considering the contemplative mood I am in today.

"Dying is fairly easy. Little choice is involved. Living well is much more of a challenge. We have choices every moment, and we have to live with the results of our decisions."
- JackIsIn from Rules of Thumb

Today as I cross another generation boundary into my 40's, I am reflecting on where I have been, what I have done and where I still have left to go. To be honest, I don't really feel like I am 40. I am sure that everyone says that, but I am serious. I really don't feel like 40 years have passed since I took my first breath and I certainly don't feel like I have accomplished everything I was put on this Earth to do.

I was going to write a blog the other day entitled "Holey Smoke I am Pregnant!" But LIFE as usual has a way of interrupting my plans. NO! for anyone who is wondering, I am NOT pregnant. I am however an emotional wreck. What I have realized is that training for the Ironman (or not training for the Ironman as has been the case for me lately) is a very very emotional process. Much to my surprise exactly like being pregnant.

Every day brings us options and challenges. Some days, we get the luxury of making a choice other days, the decision is made for us. Last week, my kids came home after 7 weeks of Mom vacation and it was back to the real world for me. I did not realize until I had them in my arms just how much I missed them! It was honestly excruciatingly painful seeing them again, seeing how much they had grown and changed as well as what I had missed over the summer while they were visiting their Dad and his family. I understand that I am extremely lucky that my kids are able to spend several weeks during the summer with their father which gives me a much needed break from being a single mom but do regret I missed some milestones in their lives. Like their trip to see the Jonas Brother's concert, and the first time they were able to ride their ripsticks without help.

It is funny what you miss when they are gone. The morning hugs and kisses when I wake them up, hearing them say Mom I love you and I missed you so much. It is also extremely funny what you DON'T miss when they are gone. Mom, you are the worst Mom ever, It is not fair, she has more than I have, Don't touch me you have cooties......

At any rate, getting the girls back has been a drama filled challenge. The first day of school was Monday, August 18th. The first bad weather day was Tuesday, August 19th. Thanks to the Tropical Storm Faye the rain and possibilities of high winds school was out. So the kids and I were home all day stuck in the house. Back to school for Wednesday and Thursday and then out again on Friday due to the storm. By the end of the week I was pulling my hair out. I had missed several workouts, and was frustrated about that. The kids had not left the house in days so they were getting on my last nerve.

I am scared, very scared. Now is the prime time for my Ironman training program and I cannot get all of my training done. I am so happy my kids are home with me again. I am angry because being a mom is limiting my ability to train. I am angry at myself for being mad about not being able to train. I am sad because I should be over the moon happy that my kids are home, not upset that I cannot train. See I told you I am pregnant! Not being able to train prevents me from having an outlet for all of these emotions, not being able to train causes alot of these emotions. What to do?

I spent a long time on the phone with Coach Bill the other night. The reality of the situation is that I am a single mom with limited options as far as training goes. I am NOT training to win, I am training to finish with a smile on my face. I have to take my training one day at a time and do the best I can. That is all I can do. There will be days where I will miss my workouts because I need to stay home and be a mom. There will be days when I have crappy workouts because I am a mom. BUT... the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that I AM A MOM! When I cross the finish line on November 1st, 2008 and I WILL cross the finish line, my daughters will be waiting there for me! They are my biggest cheerleaders and I could not do this without them!

I am pasting my quote of the day in here again for reinforcement:

"Dying is fairly easy. Little choice is involved. Living well is much more of a challenge. We have choices every moment, and we have to live with the results of our decisions."
- JackIsIn from Rules of Thumb

We make choices every day. Some days our choices are the right choices and some days they are not. What matters most is how we live with the decisions that we make. Completing the Ironman will be very painful for me. I know that but the decision I made to become a mom is going to be worth every bit of that pain. My daughters will learn from me that they can do anything they want. They can be anything they want to be. Yes there are sacrifices I have to make, a faster time, a less painful journey, but when I cross that finish line and run into their arms...


I love you Kelsie and Hannah! Thank you for allowing me to be your Mom!

Have a great day my friends!


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